Ask Sunny: I Apologize for Everything
Dear Sunny,
I seriously need to stop this.
I apologize for everything. I bump into a plastic chair at the café, I say sorry to the chair. Someone steps on my shoes while I'm waiting in line for a cafecito, and I apologize to them!
My boyfriend told me the other day that I say sorry so much it has completely lost its meaning. And the absolute worst part is that he's actually right! It's so annoying.
Where does this even come from? Is it just a bad reflex, or did I absorb it growing up? How do I finally turn this off and stop apologizing just for existing?
Sorry Not Sorry (Working On It), Coral Gables
Dear Sorry,
You're not alone in this. Excessive apologizing usually begins as a strategy to keep the peace, avoid rejection, or win love and safety. Many people learned early on that being "easy," agreeable, and sorry reduced conflict. Over time, the mind keeps the habit because it thinks it protects you, even when it starts to diminish you.
Here is your homework, and it is sneaky. First, notice where you're saying sorry for things that aren't wrong: taking up space, having needs, existing. Swap "sorry" for "thank you." "Sorry I'm late" becomes "Thank you for waiting." "Sorry I'm such a pain" becomes "Thank you for helping me." This tiny switch raises your self-esteem rather than lowering it, because "thank you" says, "I'm worth waiting for, I'm deserving of help." Do that consistently and you will feel the shift quickly.
You are allowed to take up space. You are not an inconvenience with legs. Save your real apologies for the rare days you actually earn one, and let the chair fend for itself.
Sunny