Ask Sunny: I Can't Let Myself Be Loved
Dear Sunny,
When my partner does something sweet, my very first thought is "what does he want" or "this will not last." I cannot just enjoy being loved. I deflect every compliment, I downplay every nice gesture, and it is starting to hurt his feelings. It is like some part of me does not believe I am allowed to have this. How do I learn to actually receive it?
Allergic to Nice Things, Little Havana
Dear Allergic,
You're not alone in this, and you are not ungrateful. Somewhere along the line you learned that love arrives with an invoice attached, so now, when the gift shows up, you flinch and look around for the bill. That is a protective habit, and it made sense once. If good things used to come with strings, then bracing was smart. But you are not in that place anymore, and the old program has not caught up to your actual life.
Here is your homework, and it will feel deeply uncomfortable, which is exactly how you will know it is working. The next time he does something sweet, do not deflect, do not downplay, do not make the joke. Just say "thank you," and then let it be awkward for three whole seconds. Sit in the strange feeling of being given something. You are teaching your nervous system, in small safe doses, that receiving does not lead to a catch.
You are allowed to have this. Not because you earned it by suffering first, but because someone chose you and you are here. Let the good thing in, my darling. It is not a trap. It is just yours.
Sunny