Ask Sunny: I Can't Decide Whether to Stay
Dear Sunny,
I have made two pro and con lists, taken three online quizzes, and asked basically everyone I know whether I should stay in my relationship. I still do not have an answer, and I am exhausting the people who love me. It is a good relationship on paper. Why can I not just decide?
Pro, Con, and Confused, Kendall
Dear Confused,
Indecision like this is rarely about the relationship on paper, my love. It's about the meaning your mind has attached to choosing. If your mind links deciding with danger (regret, loss, hurting someone, being "wrong"), it will keep you looping in research, polls, and pros and cons to avoid the imagined pain. The mind does more to avoid pain than to seek pleasure, so it will stall you to keep you "safe."
To move, change the association before you change the relationship. Say out loud, often and calmly: I'm safe to choose. Any choice I make, I can make work. There are no perfect choices, only decisions I decide to love. Then give your mind one clear outcome to serve: I am committed to a relationship that makes my happy list far longer than my sad list, with best-friend and sexual chemistry, mutual effort, and fair conversation. If this current relationship meets that, I choose to grow it. If not, I choose to release it kindly.
Make one small irrevocable act that reflects your decision, because action ends confusion. Confusion is a feeling that comes from unmade commitments. The moment you commit, your mind stops scanning and starts serving the blueprint you gave it.
Sunny